Not unto death...

"When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby."  These beautiful words, which I think are my new life verse, are found in John 11:4. 
   For those of you who do not know me very well you may not know that I have a disease.  I have a nerve disorder called Fibromyalgia.  Doctors describe this disease as overactive nerves resulting in widespread chronic pain.  When I was a Junior in college and dating my husband, the small aches and pains I had for a few years, became nearly impossible to bare.  Because of the weight I lost and exhaustion, I never finished college, but rather went back to Indiana to seek treatment.  I also had another encounter with my skin cancer around the same time.  When the problems returned to this degree, I had been truly saved for less than a year.  However, I never felt the urge to become bitter or angry at God, but rather looked to Him far more because I knew I could not handle the pain on my own. 
   Some think that my Fibromyalgia does not give me the troubles that it use to, and respectfully I say...that's crazy!  Fibromyalgia is still a very mysterious disease.  It cannot be tested for through your blood, doctors do not know what causes it and there is still no known cure.  Medications help, but not all the time.  I believe, besides God Himself; my Momma (who also has the disease), and my wonderfully understanding husband are the only people who trully know how difficult it is to live this way. 
   I cannot imagine being unsaved and trying to deal with this disease.  Medications have helped and the encouragment God has given me through the man He placed in my life has been a true blessing, however, if it were not for the blessing of being able to run to my heavenly Father at any time and claiming the promises from His Word, I would not be able to handle the pain sometimes. 
   You may look at the verse I have selected to be my "life verse" and say ...isn't "not unto death" a little extreme for this disease that cannot actually kill you?  Allow me  to be frank; if it were not for Christ I may have taken my own life on a few occasions!  Yes! It gets that bad sometimes!  In my own efforts, I cannot ease the pain, no matter how many pills I try!  There are days when nothing dulls the pain!  I praise the Lord multiple times over for a loving husband who will do ANYTHING to try and help!  My favorite thing he does however, is drops everything when I've had enough of the pain, and cries out to our Lord on my behalf!  That has proven to be the best "sleeping pill".  I'm blessed beyond measure to have someone who knew what he was getting into and loved me anyway!  That's when I realize how much I see Christ in the man I have married.  Christ knew exactly what He was getting into when he came to this earth....yet He loved us and came anyway! 
   This verse in the Gospel of John is my greatest prayer for my life.  I know that my disease is not going anywhere (though the Lord could heal me if He chose to) and I am thankful for it!  It draws me closer to the only One who can truly give me relief and I am grateful for that!  But, I pray that through the pain, through the trials, my life will glorify Him!  If all that I go through is just so I can sympathize with one of my fellow Christians or lead a lost soul to Him, every twinge of pain, sleepless night, and tear is worth it! 
   More of my battle with this lies not in the physical, but the emotional and ultimately the spiritual side of it!  The pain makes me frustrated and literally angry sometimes!  I hate how the pain makes me when it gets too difficult to smile through!  I found that the only way to handle this is through prayer...prayer and more prayer!  Somedays, I feel like I'm praying the same thing over and over again all day long!  "Lord!  help me not to be frustrated!"  I have found it true every time that, "His grace is sufficient....made perfect in weakness..." and, "It is God that girdeth me with strength!" I pray that pride never sets in and that I say, "wow! I've made it through a lot."  Rather, I want to look back on my life and say, "glory to God, He brought me through a lot!"  I fail nearly everyday, but He is helping me to gain the victory in this battle.
   I must constantly remind myself when the pain becomes too much to handle; this is not unto death....but this is all for His name to be magnified....for all the glory belongs to Him!